Self-Care Wisdom From a Third Grader
It was March of 2020—just the beginning of the pandemic lockdown—that point in time where we were all at scratching our heads, if not full-out panicking—about the confusing world in which we suddenly found ourselves. Do we wipe down our groceries? Is this cough I have COVID-19? What does it mean to “flatten the curve”? What in the world is happening in Italy? Are we all going to die?!
At the time I was working in school administration, helping to field seemingly endless questions from parents, colleagues, and friends. The world as we knew it seemed to be imploding, and yet, we were still trying to make sense of our everyday circumstances like, “How exactly do we pivot our youngest learners to remote learning?”
Circles under my eyes, I was running ragged. Stuffing down my own fears, while trying to stay strong and confident for my family and school community, I was on phone calls, school-health webinars, and Zoom meetings all hours of the day, while facilitating remote learning for my own children. A white bathrobe and rumpled pajamas became my daily standard uniform when I wasn’t on Zoom, and my diet consisted mostly of stale pretzels and LaCroix.
That’s when wise third-grade Sadie appeared, and left this note tacked to my computer one morning:
“Mommy, why do you work so hard to make everybody feel good? You should do what you do to other people on yourself.”
I suddenly woke up. Realizing that my daughter was overhearing the encouragement, nurturance, and around-the-clock care I showered upon those around me, she was also picking up on something I myself had been blind to: that I’d entirely neglected to offer the same gifts to myself that I’d been sharing with others.
Not only during times of crisis, but also during the more banal days, there is pleasure and purpose that come from serving and helping others. But what happens when such care becomes an overreach or an inadequate substitution for that which we ourselves desperately need? As we run ragged, running around trying to help and serve the outside while painfully ignoring the very starvation in our insides, I’ve learned it’s time to pause and refill the basket.
Or, as Sadie more concisely summarized in her new take on the Golden Rule: “Do what you do to other people on yourself.”
Especially for those of us who can flirt with co-dependency (“I’m not okay unless you’re okay”), when we find ourselves in fits of overdrive helping, it can be eye-opening to pause and ask ourselves:
As I shower others with care and attention, what parts of myself could use care and attention?
What needs am I attempting to meet in others? How might those same needs be exactly what I could use and provide myself right now?
Sadie’s message sits on my desk to this day, as my reminder to first tend to my own needs before moving on to tending to others. It’s amazing the power that comes from this. In fact, what I’ve learned is that my ability to connect and serve become even more impactful when my own cup is full.
There’s a beautiful Hafiz quote that comes to mind: “Troubled? Then stay with me, for I am not.” The great paradox is that if we work from the inside-out—getting ourselves to internal states of calm, clarity, and self-compassion—our ability to serve others and be models for change drastically expands.
It’s no longer “I’m not okay unless you’re okay,” but “I’m okay, and you’ll be okay too.”