Embrace the Suck

I have a confession to make. I really muddled up something today.

To understand the magnitude of my muddle requires a little back story. I’m currently enrolled in Martha Beck’s master-level coach training program, where she takes 25 of her Wayfinder life coaches and helps them find their ways to master coach standards in a nine-month boot camp (my word, not hers).

Described by both USA Today and NPR as “The Best Known Life Coach in America,” Martha is somewhat of a legend among life coaches, and in my book, a goddess. I have purchased and read her books, was an ardent follower of her two-decade monthly column in O Magazine, and am now completing my second 9-month certification program with her.

With only 25 students in her master-level program, we each get the benefit of being coached by Martha in front of everyone else in the class during the course of the program. Today, when she asked for me to step up and be coached by her, I froze. It didn’t matter that I’m a pretty confident public speaker and veteran teacher; when my name was called, I could barely muster recognition of the name. Who is this Kylea lady that Martha is referencing?

When I finally got my tremoring hands to find the unmute button on Zoom and sort of vaguely rambled responses to her questions, I thought I was in the clear. And then—in true Martha fashion—she did something that I’ve never seen her do before: she turned straight to me and asked ME to coach HER. Gah, the horror!

And, admittedly, despite the fact that I know that I’m a pretty effective coach—I, frankly, kind of sucked at it today. Mostly because I couldn’t do what is a fundamental step of good coaching--getting outside of myself and focusing on my client.

And guess what. The world didn’t come to an end.

It’s possible I did suck as bad as I thought. Or, it’s possible that I didn’t.

As I was reeling from this experience, I remembered advice Martha had given just minutes before to another colleague: “Try not to fantasize so much about others’ fantasies of you.”

It’s possible that Martha was thinking about how sucky I performed in that moment. Or it’s possible that she was thinking about how to get her Zoom audio to work better, or what she was planning to have for dinner. Or maybe she was thinking: “Hey, that Kylea lady isn’t too bad after all.”

I have no idea what she was thinking because I’m not in her head, which is why it’s always important for me to remember this:

Let other people’s opinion of you be their business. (And, when in doubt, get the hell out of their business.)

So, after class, I took the most painful thought that I was having at the moment and applied Byron Katie’s “The Work” methodology to it. The thought “I sucked at coaching Martha” turned around to “I didn’t suck at coaching Martha.” And there I found some confirming evidence to support this alternative viewpoint:

1) I tried my best in an unexpected situation.

2) In hindsight, I actually asked a couple of powerful questions.

3) If I didn’t do well, then I gave other people in the classroom permission to slip up too—and that certainly doesn’t suck. In fact, that’s rather helpful.

So going forward, I’m reminded to take a few more chances and be okay with a little suck. Suck is actually a rather valuable teacher, and as it turns out--not at all fatal.